Countersink

drugs and alcohol
are starting to look like
incentives to life living.
means that something

needs to change,
now.

Because why settle
for the temporary shit
when you can have

permanent?

Why settle for some
thing that you’re never
going to keep
when you can fix
the problem.

Mind and mood altering
That petty sense of revenge
they tell me will never last.

I don’t need it to.

Just long enough to make
a new habit to overtake
the last set of screws
that never sank right.

 

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BOOKS

BOOKS

 

Isn’t she pretty?

So traveling does make things get lost on the to-do list.

Like telling people that my book is live.

I mean I get why I did nothing on Thursday last week. I did 13 hours of driving from Kentucky to Minneapolis.

Not the smartest decision but hey, I made it here alive and well.

And no interactions with the police. More good news.

Bad news: Amazon tried to autocorrect my title so you can’t even search it right now… but give it 24 hours.

However, this link works–

Gutterless Hub on Amazon

 

if you’re an introvert… driving for work is good for you.

So recently I was redoing research on one of my jobs I’ve held in Dallas and will hold in the upcoming state of choice. And came across a seriously wrong line about driving for Uber.

“Introverts need not bother.”

Wrong mofo. WRONG.

  • It is probably the best job because you can turn it on and off if you get overwhelmed (Me downtown the first night and having no idea where I was).
  • I can only deal with 4 people in my car (I have 5 seatbelts and I’m using one).
  • You can literally drive whenever so if you have a bad morning, you don’t have to miss the whole day because you’re exhausted from yesterday.
  • You can make as much money or as little as you want.

So now that I have corrected this ill information… I’ll go back to enjoying my semi-vacation/traveling madness.

 

So straying from traveling updates…

So adulthood is full of fun little ‘problems’ that could be better.

I’m going to share a recent hack YOU NEED if you pay on your student loans more than you have to make them go away. Cause it’s a sneaky little thing that computers won’t do for you until you tell them to.

Because #studentloans are #math and #adulting

A post shared by J Joy (@fluffyporkupine) on

This little guy is math.

ALL YOU FUCKERS WHO SAY YOU DON’T USE ALGEBRA ARE SPECIAL and WRONG.

Okay, off the soapbox. This is probably more personal information than I really want to give but … it makes sense of the math.

Your student loans will default to even amounts of payback even if they are different amounts and different rates.

I had the fun of going to school from 2009-2014 and the rates changed three times.

Which doesn’t leave all the amounts that get paid to interest as the same and some funky math and priorities.

I was looking at the extra amounts that I was paying in 2016 and not seeing any results.  I didn’t realize that my loans weren’t going down because of the interest I was paying on each part. It was all different amounts and yes, I was passing the minimum amount and that does help my credit.

#easypaymentmakingfor10years

But it wasn’t making the principal go down as far as I thought it should.

So I figured out what the percentages of interest they were generating because I wanted to pay less in interest than I was at the principal. Because that is how you make debt GO AWAY.

I don’t like it hanging over me. I know there are better ways to make it go away faster that take a lot more work and yeah… the method I currently use probably annoys the computer at the loan company because I pay weekly instead of monthly AND THIER DUMB payment system will not let me autopay multiple times in a month so I go in and schedule them once a month.

I have two chunks of loans, but I’m showing you the more complicated one because it demonstrates my point better about how #algebra is your friend. The other one is an easy 60/40 split cause it was the same year and time frame.

So it subsets into 5 ‘loans’ one roughly 7k, 2k, 5k, 5k, and 2k.

They have 3 different interest rates which doesn’t go into figuring out which one to pay more unless I’ve got halves of percentages which the system didn’t like.

Starting off, the 7k has 6.8% interest and therefore gets the most percentage because it currently takes $9in interest every month compared to the total of $20 ($20.29. I’m rounding). So 9/20 =

Anybody?

45%.

All right, now we repeat.

Next up is strangely the 2k because it also has a 6.8% stupid interest rate (that could have been a lot worse but it’s still on the high end). Total interest paid every month is still $20 until I make more payments.

But 2.5 /20 = 12.5%. The system doesn’t like decimal points and so it rounds down.

Keep going with the numbers and you get something that goes from paying 2/3 of every month’s payments towards interest to getting more money towards principal. Which means that you’re accumulating less interest over time.

It’s a finesse system that you can set, usually and then you just have to stick to your default (instead of theirs because it might pay the highest interest first, but that doesn’t mean that’s the one gaining the most interest because amounts also come into play).

So slowly but surely my weekly deposit of 42.50 pays only $20 in interest instead of the $30 I was paying back in January before I caught this little bug.

So, in consequence, don’t trust computers to do everything for you because you didn’t write the code to control them and make sure that you save every penny by spending five minutes doing Math. Just take the amount you’re paying in interest divided by the total and that’s your percent.

It’s super easy and your phone calculator can do it without turning on the scientific side of it.

—–

NOTE: I didn’t take the total amounts of each ‘loan’ into consideration until I had to decide which one rounds down versus up. That was so that way it’ll add up to 100% without going into decimal percentages.

 

 

 

 

Day 11

So here’s a fear I didn’t realize you could have.

Fear of being famous.

Albeit that’s a simplification and an explanation at the same time.

I’ve fought for the little privacy that I have. It wasn’t something that was readily handed to me. I can remember the first time I knew the door was going to stay shut on my apartment with no fear of anyone else coming in and demanding to know what I was doing.

It was maddening, and don’t get me wrong my first real roommate was fantastic but there were times where she (rightly) demanded to know what I was doing and when my answer wasn’t anything. (Note that I didn’t answer ‘nothing’, but that I didn’t answer which she had already deduced like her favorite character that no answer was a very bad answer.)

Anyways, fast forward to living with other people for the first time and privacy is the first thing that’s gone. Which is totally understandable. It’s just something that I didn’t really appreciate having for the last couple years and a few before that.

My bad.

But it’s let me look at why I’m really not working on my book as much as I told myself I was going to. I want to. That’s not really the problem. I’m procrastinating and thankfully I’ve identified this fear before and can see when it comes calling.

Procrastination is a nasty habit and very hard to break.

I was good Monday. Got a lot done. Followed my list. Succeeded in getting things that weren’t on the Have To Do list done. They were on the Need To list but weren’t critical for Monday.

Then Tuesday happened. And yes, patience is a virtue but sitting waiting for the muse isn’t going to make her(him) show up. Usually, I just end up wallowing in my own head creating scenarios and problems that don’t really exist instead of putting them on paper and making money off making them into a book.

Which is a problem. It’s the wasting time pretending that doesn’t go anywhere.

But back to internal fears.

The fear of being famous. The fear of writing a book and doing it well and right and suddenly creating a following that I can’t keep up with. That wants more than I’m capable of giving.

Because I’ve already lost it all. I’ve fought for the privacy to make fun of my BIL and do it the way that I do best. Taught by someone who taught me what I didn’t want in a spouse, by the things that he does. And no, I’m not talking about my father though he is the inspiration for my list of characteristics. Both good and bad.

You know what it’s like? to loose that hope of seeing yourself whole.
Of seeing what happens when you grow.

Do you know what it’s like? to see everything shatter in piles
that you know you’ll make it out fine.

But everyone else will cut their feet on glass and foil.

Why do you always survive? Why must you make it out?
Why can’t you give up like the others? The ones that were
called the strongest of them all? The warriors?

Because scavengers eat the dead and don’t qualm at duty.
Because scavengers don’t let go when the hand goes limp.
Because scavengers watch the fight from above and dive.

You want to believe that you’re not meant to survive
You want to see the monsters as something else
You want to see yourself in the mirror.

But you finally do. You finally see you.

No facades. No pretenders. No lights to shine just the right way.

You are you, nobody else can do.
Take that shoe, know that you are blue.
Blue eyes to coo. Blue eyes to rue.

You stopped calling her a monster a while ago.
Didn’t you know? She is you, you are her, and God
made you whole and capable. So stop lying.

Half of you isn’t enough to survive.
Half of her isn’t enough.

Two heads are usually better than one.

Day 9 & 10

Because learning doesn’t always happen on the same day.

Patience.

It’s a fun little thing that my mother doesn’t believe that I possess and every decent caller in call centers don’t know how I have so much.

I’m inclined to believe the customers because ‘the customer is always right’.

Not usually, but this time I’m firmly behind their perspective. Now the next little bit may seem a little stupid but it works for me.

So as I’m traveling I’ve figured out that I didn’t pack things correctly and overpacked on other respects. So the last week I’ve been on the hunt for specific solutions. Online ordering is made possible with Amazon lockers. Wonderful, non-human interaction devices that allow me to pick up the things I avoided human interaction ordering on the internet.

How did people survive when they needed things?

I mean, self-checkout is my favorite thing and yes I only used the real people because I was buying bribery in the form of alcohol and I wasn’t sure the machine would like my out-of-state ID.

 

But today, I went wandering around trying to make my Fitbit happy after not moving around enough for it yesterday (it was also charging during the two times I decided to go around and such) and came upon stores that I usually find something I want but don’t need.

Until today, where I found what I wanted for half the price I’d pay online and I’d get extra things in the package, too.

Haha, patience. Because there was a part of me that decided to wait, not really sure where it came from but I’ll listen when it comes to mind.

Do I really think it’s fate that I found the zipper bags that I was looking for?

Yes, no, sorta.

Do I think that I got what I wanted because I decided to not settle for something that wasn’t in my specifications?

Yes. Because that patience of liking something but not liking it enough is probably why I have always let car salesman think they have the upper hand when I buy a car. But I don’t come to them with the worst case scenario of what my credit actually is. I come with my worst case.

Which is probably why I’ve paid off two different car loans in less time than expected. Because what we did the math for was not really what I could afford. It was worst case scenario, all hell breaks loose and I’ll still be able to crank out X much.

But that’s just how I live.

Prepare for the worst, Hope for the best,
And you’ll always land somewhere in the middle

Day 8

You want to know what it feels like when you get everything done on your list for BuJo?

Fucking magic. 

Because you’ve been drowning so long in getting the things done that you don’t want to do but have to be done and they’re what puts food on the table. It’s so nice to not care for a few days. Yeah, I had a reality check that I’m going to have to make some money this month to tide over next month like I’d like. But is it anywhere near the over exuberant amount I was saving up just to spend on something that I couldn’t care less on? Not at all, it’s going to make sure that I have gas money to get to Minneapolis on the next leg of this journey to discover who and what I’m completely capable of.

It’s nice to know that my choices are mine to follow and decide what is really going to make me happy. Even if the learning curve seems a little steeper than I’d like.

So is the exhaustion level. Cause yes, I did sleep in till 9, but I didn’t exactly spend any time waking up this morning as I revamped the services on my site and got angry at the variable product not doing what I think it should… but that’s just going to be another day’s #research. My task today was to get them up and clickable.  The real MVP (minimum viable product) today was knowing that I really could take down the whole site and go at it from scratch and it will look boring and practical but not anywhere near where I need it to.

Maybe tomorrow I”ll list all the stuff I’m planning for Etsy and practice on the site with things I don’t expect people to need multiples of…

but for now, it’s bedtime.

 

Ladders (2017)

Drowning in the middle of it all, you walk away from the snowflakes
Thinking that really isn’t a way out of all the shit you’ve dug
And then you remember that you can leave it all behind. All of them
in their little worlds of self-absorption suffocating the sadists
past the point of their enjoyment.

You can’t fix them, that’s what they tell you, that’s what you pretend.
Because to fix them, you’d have to be perfect first, and you know that
isn’t in the cards. That boring existence in this day and age of being
the reminder that no one can match up, no one can catch up, no one
can snatch up the pieces on the ground.

Because you and I are not made for that. We come from this place,
this mastery of self that some pretend is the marker for progression.
Really? Cause progress for progress’s sake is what? A rung on a ladder
I long ago decided I’d rather not climb because I could see where you
started and where I did not.

So you want to know how I got here when you did not?

I stopped climbing the ladder a long time ago, didn’t even know it then
But God, thank you for dragging me off that day when I couldn’t see
anything but down.