Day 1150 and Counting

Day 1150 and Counting

It sounds weird to think about it that way.

This is both Day 1 and Day 1150.

There are so many things that have happened in the last few months that I really just don’t know where to start.

So I’ll start at the beginning. 

With three years, one month and 24 days ago when I left Texas. God, the woman I was then is not the woman I am now. It’s both good and bad. 

I have different hopes, similar dreams, and few new habits to go with it. I still have the same food allergies but they derail me less often because I decided that I really didn’t like feeling awful all the time for foods that weren’t that good for me in the first place. 

I’m leaving another place that I call home and will never forget.

I learned things here.

Things about myself, about others, about how to deal with others, about how others deal with me. The last three years here has taught me a thing or six. 

I know more about why certain habits made me feel better about myself and why others didn’t.

I learned to stack my habits.

I learned to make them matter.

I learned that I will never fully understand everything and sometimes it’s okay to just sit there in the miracle.

I have two nephews now, and they could not be more different.

I have figured out that every choice I made from the moment I was born has brought me to the moment here and now. 

There were no shortcuts. There were no changes I would have made.  It could not have been better, it could not have been worse. 

But I am done hiding into myself. 

This next chapter is about my change, my ‘another’ chance (because this really isn’t my second or my third chance).

This time it is different. There is a subtle but important difference.

I am okay with being a fluffy porkupine. I am okay and happy with the person I am rather than always trying to change what her core is because it doesn’t look like anyone else. 

I am spikes and protection, and I have a soft underbelly of care that will probably get me into trouble (again).

For almost a decade I have had a yearly motto. I decided that I didn’t keep resolutions and I should stop setting myself up for failure and just have a direction to fly towards.

That whole no resolutions things lasted for five years, but I did keep the motto thing. 

2020 was Juice (Just) Concentrate. It has not happened as I intended. I thought it was going to be about getting all my projects worked on because I knocked them out one at a time.

LOL.

That was not how this worked. Instead this year has been more like going through a grinder that is what makes juice concentrate. The whole shredding and mixing process that creates a thing that can do lost of things depending on the type of fruit you were to begin with.

I was definitely a lemon, and now it’s time to mix that concentrate and make some lemonade.  Might be lemonade whisky, but we’ll see. 

So here is to another adventure, another chapter, another moment where everything is going to pivot from what I know and care about to other things that I love and care about.

Music City, here I come. 

The Empty Pot

The Empty Pot

growing out of the darkness, without a hint of light,
we grew crooked and bent, but we grew, we came 
from nothing that you were looking in, but we were there
we had our moments of shrinking, we can’t blame the light
for being to bright, for breaking our sights on where
we were going those days, we’ve broken the surface now
and we’re still looking in the darkness, the light
it bothers us, it suffocates us, it gave us rules and regulations
that expected us to look like these flowers that grew in the sun
and that we shouldn’t have our bends and knarls and whorls
but would we be as strong without them, would we heal
the way we do if we were built on sunlight, on tree stakes
that make us grow up straight and tall and weak,
because the dark is what made us unbreakable, 
it’s where our roots are, the links into the past
they make us shake and wither in the sun,
but underground they are what we’ve come from
they are what gave us this nutrients this life of ours
to turn our backs on what made us stronger is to pretend 
that we are like the little sunflowers that everyone loves, 
but everyone eats the seeds to break an addiction
thinking if we consume that sunshine on the inside
maybe it will grow there and give us a running chance. 
only thing is, we don’t do well in sunshine, our monsters
are on full display and we don’t always know that they are—
the monsters that everyone thinks are sweet
the monsters that everyone thinks are nice
the monsters that are slowly killing us with every box 
we don’t have in ourselves to fill, because it wasn’t our box.

do you think it’s easy growing in the dark?
do you think it’s simple to just stick to what you know and hope
because that’s what it is, the hope that you will find the sunshine
that it won’t blind you and ruin you when you see it
but it’s not the sunshine that ruins you, it’s the child
that picks a pretty flower for mommy to take home
it’s the dirt that makes us grow when we don’t know that we’re doing it.
it’s the dirt that we brush off that gave us strength
it’s the water that we thought was drowning us to grow
it’s the water that we needed to work with what we had
it’s the pressure of not knowing where the top is to reach
it’s the knowledge that we were never going to be right,
we were just going to be good and great and excellent and
and and and. they just keep coming as we do more and more
because in the darkness we learned to never settle 
to never rest on your laurels because that doesn’t save you 
from getting ripped out of the ground and left to die. 
it keeps us getting up every morning while we figure it out
because the challenge is there, it’s the battle of being more
the battle that knows we’ll never win the war but we don’t care
because we know there really isn’t a war, it’s just a place
to go and do and be more than ordinary

forget normal, ordinary, run of the mill, that dreaded simple 
that you didn’t do all you could, be what it may
would you settle? would you want that for your children?
would you want it for anyone to do less that your best 
because some asshole decided that you weren’t good enough
that freeform wasn’t going to make you money
did you do it for the money, did you do it for the fame, 
did you do it for the reach, the recognition, the pain
because that’s what happens, when you open the door
there’s a whole new level of expectations and results 

are you afraid of that? i’ll give you a secret, i fucking am.
i am fucking scared and GOD does it live in my bloodstream, it resonates
in a place  that i don’t like freeing, that i don’t like feeling
because that means i have to do something about it
i have to open the door—because i’ve know for a while now
that i was killing myself by putting myself in everyone else’s box
and it’s boring and scary and i don’t fucking fit.
i don’t and i’ve decided that fear doesn’t do shit
fear is boring and ordinary and i was not meant for a life of that
i don’t mean go do all the crazy things that there are legit reasons
don’t involve the police if you don’t have to
but do the thing that scares you, do the thing that keeps you inside
make sure that you are inside because it’s not just living the dream
make damn sure that it’s your dream, that it’s your choice
otherwise you’ll always wish and where does that leave you?

–in an empty pot.

Commitment

Commitment is a touchy word
There are so many ways that
It can be taken.
In my family it is like a swear word
That means you are not doing what
You should be doing
There is no rhyme or reason
Why this is the term used to define
Fix Yourself
But it is and it seems to characterize
The highest strife between my family and me
There is no way to determine when you will
Be the next victim
But it comes as it comes and there is
No relief for what is being said
There are only the nods of agreement
The idea that “I will do that”
And really I’m only saying it to get away
From the chair of DOOM
Where there is no other way to escape
The condescending way of reprimand
I want to go to college
But it seems that I need to get
Away from here first
That might put some plans on hold
Others may move up a notch
But believe me
I will not be staying here after August
That is guaranteed, the rest is questionable
The results are variable and I don’t know
Quite what Life will bring me
There is no way to determine
Much like living at home
Who will be yelled at next
And Who’s the current favorite
I wish there was some system that
I could use to find myself not at home
When the bad things come

Brain Blitzing

When you brain blitzes on you
During the middle of class when you need
It.  It’s irritating, slowing, and inconvenient.
Thankfully sugar has many uses incurring
Brain farts and Spaces on thought trains
Where the Nothing exists and humanity
Fails the task that they were given
Showing humans are not dependable.
Merely the best of the best can do
What they’re told, in the best of times.
At the worst, thinking of the consequences
Of some.

Complex Connections at Break

Sanity at daybreak, insanity by dusk
Humanity at dawn, monster at twilight
Full at midnight, hungry at noon
A mix of contradictions all inside one person
Begging to be set free from ambiguity
Humanity comes and goes without reason
Sanity can never stay for long
Hunger breeds like wild rabbits in spring
Stupidity seems to never leave you old man
Take offense at everything I say when I don’t
Want to do what you say because it won’t help
Ever. I wish you would just leave me alone
Let me be, I can function fine enough without
People. Let me do what I need to do and you
Do what you need. I don’t think even now
Through this, that I will talk to you once high school
Is OVER.

Nuclear Advice

the little monster doesn’t stay little
it grows and shrinks a lot like another organ
that takes up the same space in your chest
and you wonder which one is running
the fucking car into a brick wall
because you can’t always be sure

they change rules so often, you’re confused
let alone anyone outside of your own circle
but that doesn’t mitigate the damage
it just designates the collateral
and gives a direction to the mess you made
because nothing quite cleans like tears
that blotch your face, stuff your nose
not to mention the headache that follows

you’re demons aren’t outside of you
sitting on shoulders giving opinions and advice
of when you’d rather that imp shuts up
but they won’t because they know best
after all, have you seen their life experience?

yeah i did, that’s why i walked away
content to make a mess on my own
nuclear reactors can still go nuclear
and well, once you’re cleared out and
just nibble once before
no need to do that ever again.

Colors

For Grammie

Black for the dead
White for the living
Brown for the dust we come and go from
Yellow for the sick and afflicted
Red for the blood spilt
Green for the life growing
Orange for the hungry
Blue for a boy
Pink for a girl
Purple for integrity
Gold for the love
Silver for the blessed
Bronze for the working
Gray for the merciful
Love for the mourning
Life for the living
But let us earn bronze, sliver, and gold
Because then we will be complete
Wholly one, body and soul
Fully Alive

Pivot

off your axis
you realize
you’ve been courting
that disaster
since your early days

your symptoms of rejection
you know so well
you weren’t listening anymore
couldn’t take another no
so you said yes, it’s fine

but that has you
going blind
literally, temporarily
full of gas, with
nowhere to go.

grace of God
life would have flashed
before your eyes
if they were working
properly.

you question why
that should have ended in
more that just tears
sweat and nearly shitting yourself.

But it didn’t.

not your time to go
you got shit to do
so go and do it.
quit dawdling
a massive wakeup

just before I start
something old, something new
But it will alter everything
if I pivot just enough
and it will change anything

if i focus my everything
on it, like I’ve taught myself
distractions are everywhere
you can’t see them, I can’t.
my eyes are working now.

all it’ll take is that pivot
that small alteration of soul
into a trajectory
worthy of the fire
burning under my skin

Walking Backwards

Death is merely something to overcome,
For both the living and the dead.
In every belief, religion, and faith I’ve heard
Life was not meant to be easy, dull, or boring.
Living life has been stated so many ways,
Infinity is probably the closest concept to how many.
With life comes the death of others, some near
And others a three-and-a-half hour flight away.
Sadly, death sometimes is the only thing
That brings people together in life.
Only memories and stories keep them alive
Inside.

When looking forward while looking back
May seem complicated till you realize you
Are walking backwards, you silly.
But sometimes that is fun, too.  Learning
How to be silly can make a laugh come
Again.  But remember very carefully.
This world is full of ghosts, past, present,
And future. They listen to everything
You think, say, or do.  Listen closely
You can hear them. Listen closely
Maybe you will make less mistakes.

We’re Made of These

death + dreams
disasters + distractions

goodbyes, good luck, good things
we’re made of these

the resonating puddle
after the rainbows
come and go like sunshine

we’re made of these

hopes and heros
hunks and helpless
hotties and hindrances

the mash of life
was never simple
and we simplified it.
why else is the box breaking
the standards of another time
falling facefirst in the now
while we resonate outside
of standard 440A

standards + situations
splinters + structures

happiness, heartache, hope
we’re made of these