Commitment

Commitment is a touchy word
There are so many ways that
It can be taken.
In my family it is like a swear word
That means you are not doing what
You should be doing
There is no rhyme or reason
Why this is the term used to define
Fix Yourself
But it is and it seems to characterize
The highest strife between my family and me
There is no way to determine when you will
Be the next victim
But it comes as it comes and there is
No relief for what is being said
There are only the nods of agreement
The idea that “I will do that”
And really I’m only saying it to get away
From the chair of DOOM
Where there is no other way to escape
The condescending way of reprimand
I want to go to college
But it seems that I need to get
Away from here first
That might put some plans on hold
Others may move up a notch
But believe me
I will not be staying here after August
That is guaranteed, the rest is questionable
The results are variable and I don’t know
Quite what Life will bring me
There is no way to determine
Much like living at home
Who will be yelled at next
And Who’s the current favorite
I wish there was some system that
I could use to find myself not at home
When the bad things come

Brain Blitzing

When you brain blitzes on you
During the middle of class when you need
It.  It’s irritating, slowing, and inconvenient.
Thankfully sugar has many uses incurring
Brain farts and Spaces on thought trains
Where the Nothing exists and humanity
Fails the task that they were given
Showing humans are not dependable.
Merely the best of the best can do
What they’re told, in the best of times.
At the worst, thinking of the consequences
Of some.

Complex Connections at Break

Sanity at daybreak, insanity by dusk
Humanity at dawn, monster at twilight
Full at midnight, hungry at noon
A mix of contradictions all inside one person
Begging to be set free from ambiguity
Humanity comes and goes without reason
Sanity can never stay for long
Hunger breeds like wild rabbits in spring
Stupidity seems to never leave you old man
Take offense at everything I say when I don’t
Want to do what you say because it won’t help
Ever. I wish you would just leave me alone
Let me be, I can function fine enough without
People. Let me do what I need to do and you
Do what you need. I don’t think even now
Through this, that I will talk to you once high school
Is OVER.

Nuclear Advice

the little monster doesn’t stay little
it grows and shrinks a lot like another organ
that takes up the same space in your chest
and you wonder which one is running
the fucking car into a brick wall
because you can’t always be sure

they change rules so often, you’re confused
let alone anyone outside of your own circle
but that doesn’t mitigate the damage
it just designates the collateral
and gives a direction to the mess you made
because nothing quite cleans like tears
that blotch your face, stuff your nose
not to mention the headache that follows

you’re demons aren’t outside of you
sitting on shoulders giving opinions and advice
of when you’d rather that imp shuts up
but they won’t because they know best
after all, have you seen their life experience?

yeah i did, that’s why i walked away
content to make a mess on my own
nuclear reactors can still go nuclear
and well, once you’re cleared out and
just nibble once before
no need to do that ever again.

Colors

For Grammie

Black for the dead
White for the living
Brown for the dust we come and go from
Yellow for the sick and afflicted
Red for the blood spilt
Green for the life growing
Orange for the hungry
Blue for a boy
Pink for a girl
Purple for integrity
Gold for the love
Silver for the blessed
Bronze for the working
Gray for the merciful
Love for the mourning
Life for the living
But let us earn bronze, sliver, and gold
Because then we will be complete
Wholly one, body and soul
Fully Alive

Pivot

off your axis
you realize
you’ve been courting
that disaster
since your early days

your symptoms of rejection
you know so well
you weren’t listening anymore
couldn’t take another no
so you said yes, it’s fine

but that has you
going blind
literally, temporarily
full of gas, with
nowhere to go.

grace of God
life would have flashed
before your eyes
if they were working
properly.

you question why
that should have ended in
more that just tears
sweat and nearly shitting yourself.

But it didn’t.

not your time to go
you got shit to do
so go and do it.
quit dawdling
a massive wakeup

just before I start
something old, something new
But it will alter everything
if I pivot just enough
and it will change anything

if i focus my everything
on it, like I’ve taught myself
distractions are everywhere
you can’t see them, I can’t.
my eyes are working now.

all it’ll take is that pivot
that small alteration of soul
into a trajectory
worthy of the fire
burning under my skin

Walking Backwards

Death is merely something to overcome,
For both the living and the dead.
In every belief, religion, and faith I’ve heard
Life was not meant to be easy, dull, or boring.
Living life has been stated so many ways,
Infinity is probably the closest concept to how many.
With life comes the death of others, some near
And others a three-and-a-half hour flight away.
Sadly, death sometimes is the only thing
That brings people together in life.
Only memories and stories keep them alive
Inside.

When looking forward while looking back
May seem complicated till you realize you
Are walking backwards, you silly.
But sometimes that is fun, too.  Learning
How to be silly can make a laugh come
Again.  But remember very carefully.
This world is full of ghosts, past, present,
And future. They listen to everything
You think, say, or do.  Listen closely
You can hear them. Listen closely
Maybe you will make less mistakes.